Kali River Rapids is one ride at Animal Kingdom that Dad has no real desire to ride. Yep, that’s right, there is a Disney World ride that Dad has no desire to ride (and it doesn’t even go round and round).
Why, you might ask is Dad so adverse to Kali River Rapids?
It all began years ago, and not even at Disney World. Dad and Mrs. Mom (technically Mrs. Mom wasn’t a mom yet, and to be honest Dad wasn’t even a dad yet, but that’s not important now) were asked to chaperon a trip to Astroworld in Houston. (We were living in Oklahoma at the time. Need a scorecard yet?) We said sure. We had been working with the “kids” (who were just a little younger than Dad and Mrs. Mom) for almost a year and felt like they were our kids. So off we went.
It was a hot day in sweltering Houston. The “kids” wanted to ride the raging river ride which sounded like a good idea. We rode it a couple of times (like I said, it was hot) when …
There was this one little girl (yes, she was very tiny, probably only weighed about 90 lbs.) who boasted she never got wet on a river raft ride. Bad mistake. Just a little tip from a helpful Dad, when you are in a big group with malicious boys, don’t ever say “I never …” Oops.
The next time we rode, we maneuvered Miss Smarty Pants between me and a couple of the other “large” guys. I had a theory, which proved right several times during the day, that the greater concentration of weight in one place the more likely that place is to be the one that gets drenched. Off we went. We came to the first drop and got a little wet, but not too bad. Miss Smarty Pants was cackling because one of the other girls got wet.
Then we arrived at the big drop. Our little boat thingy was spinning and it stopped with us guys on the high side. Then we started down the falls. Something amazing happened. The boat rotated (just like I thought it would, Dad’s so smart) and down we plunged with Miss Smarty Pants in the lead. Our end of the boat dug into the water, deep into the water. Miss Smarty Pants had a huge wave break right over her head. She was soaked. We laughed for hours. She was so wet. Yeah, Dad and the boys were too, but we got Miss Smarty Pants good.
Getting soaked was fun when Dad was 25ish and the temperature is 103. But Kali River Rapids is not quite as soaking as the ride at Astroworld was. Also, since Animal Kingdom opened Dad has been going to Disney World in December. It’s just not quite the same to get wet when it’s 45 degrees as when it’s 145 degrees.
That’s Reason #1 Dad doesn’t ride Kali River Rapids.